One Last Reason
by Rae D. Magdon
Summary: There are a hundred reasons she shouldn't, but Laura can't resist saying goodbye to Carmilla one last time. Again. (Hollstein, S2E27, Zones of Friendship).


**AN:** The kiss in S2E27 was pretty intense, so I wondered what would happen if they'd gone further instead before LaF's interruption. Also, I needed some Hollstein to clear my head after the heart-wrenching S2E35.

 **. . .**

 **One Last Reason**

 **. . .**

"Would you care?"

The question echoes in Laura's head, hollow and hurting. _'Would you care?'_ She stares at Carmilla in disbelief as it tears at her from the inside out. It's close to the same thing she constantly asks herself. Not if she cares, but why. Why, after all their tearful fights and so many disappointments, Carmilla still leaves her feeling so helpless. So hopeless. And, for reasons she can't explain, so _safe._ Safe is something she hardly ever feels anymore unless Carmilla is with her.

 _Except when she's trying to get herself killed for me, or because of me, or..._

"How can you say that?" She tries to be angry, but instead, her voice comes out as a cracked whisper, threatening to become a sob. "Do you I think I hid you here and everything because I don't care? Because the thought of something happening to you doesn't make me feel like I can't breathe?" Her chest starts to ache, but she can't stop the flood of words despite the stabbing pain. "And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel around you or what I'm supposed to do, because—"

Suddenly, Carmilla is kissing her. Kissing her until all her pain is gone and her words vanish and she's falling into a tailspin. Carmilla's mouth is soft and hot against hers, and her eyes flutter shut as she surrenders to instinct. Everything around her has been wrong for so long that she hardly remembers what right feels like. But this, Carmilla's lips tasting and taking hers? This is most definitely right.

She kisses back with everything she has. The shape of Carmilla's jaw is still a perfect fit in her hand. The silky strands of Carmilla's hair feel the same sliding through her fingers. The taste of Carmilla's mouth is the kind of familiar that makes her want to cry with relief. She loses herself in might-have-beens and maybes, allowing herself to hope with all the love she's kept locked away. Love she never stops feeling, no matter how deep she tries to bury it.

Then she remembers that she needs to breathe. Remembers all the reasons kissing Carmilla like this, like they're still together, is a terrible idea. She pulls back, trembling uncertainly, heart clenching with regret.

"I... can't."

It's the hardest thing she's ever had to say. She can't hold Carmilla's gaze, and she glances down when it searches for her face. If she looks, she knows she'll break. Her eyes are already burning with tears.

"Why not?" Carmilla's voice is quiet, and the hurt in it threatens to shatter her into a thousand pieces. A few days ago, it would have been satisfying to know she was the cause of her ex-girlfriend's sadness—sadness she had convinced herself Carmilla more than deserved to match hers. Now, it just leaves her empty. Empty, just like the promises she still stupidly wants Carmilla to make.

"Because right now, I'm really hoping this means that you're going to change." Carmilla tries to speak again, but she takes a shuddering breath and continues. This might be her only chance, and at the very least, Carmilla should know why. "You kiss me and it cracks me open and all of my stupid, messy hopes come tumbling out and maybes and somedays and how is that fair?"

It doesn't do any good. Carmilla is still staring at her with those dark, piercing eyes, and she can't help but look into them. The plea there makes her doubt herself all over again. "Well, who the hell cares about fair?"

" _I_ do." And it's because she cares, because she refuses to accept that the world is a horrible, irredeemable place that she and Carmilla can't be together. "Or maybe I'm just catastrophizing, because between Mattie and Vordenberg, we're in the middle of a catastrophe." As much as she hates to admit it, catastrophes have a way of bringing her and Carmilla together. Doubts creep into her mind, picking up on her last lingering traces of hope. Foolish hope that refuses to die, no matter how much she hurts.

That hope is what drives her to take Carmilla's lips again. She knows she shouldn't, knows she's just repeating the same mistakes she's already made too many times to count, but she can't help herself. Everything around her is scary and uncertain, and the only thing that feels normal, the only thing that feels safe, is the circle of Carmilla's arms. She almost sobs when they wrap around her, fisting the back of her shirt and holding tight. She doesn't _want_ this, but she _needs_ it. Needs it like air, like sunlight, like something to believe in.

Carmilla's touch isn't the same as it's been for the past several weeks. Before, it was resentful and possessive while they worked out their anger on each other. Now, the hands sliding around her waist are still desperate, but also heartbreakingly tender. She doesn't mind. Carmilla's already broken her heart plenty of times before. She runs her tongue along the swell of Carmilla's bottom lip, eager for a deeper connection. An irrational fear rushes into her mind—that if she stops kissing Carmilla again, this moment will be gone forever, and she won't be able to survive without it.

But Carmilla coaxes her away, using a string of softer kisses to soothe the break. "Bed," she says, voice breathless and full of longing. "We should probably..."

It's a question even though it isn't phrased as one, and Laura realizes Carmilla is just as confused and scared as she is. It solidifies her own decision. Even with all the grief their messy relationship has caused, she wouldn't go back and change it. Their first time after Carmilla's sacrifice is still one of her most precious memories. Even if they end up resenting each other again, or if the worst happens and one of them dies, she's willing to risk making another one. Anything to show Carmilla the strength of her love, even if love won't save them or their bond.

"Please," she whispers. She studies the contours of her lover's face, trying to commit them to memory. She knows she'll need something to hold onto afterwards.

It's the only thing she has to say. A second later, she's in Carmilla's arms, cradled against her chest and being whisked up the stairs. She can feel the faint thud of Carmilla's barely-beating heart against her cheek. By vampire standards, it's racing.

"We could have used the couch," she says as she trails her mouth along the graceful column of Carmilla's throat.

"No. We're going to your room. I want to do this right, in case..."

 _In case we don't make it out of this._ _Or in case the two of us fall apart again._ The thought sends a stab of pain through her, but it doesn't change her mind. She wants more, so much more, but she'll settle for one good memory to keep with her for however long she can.

She doesn't realize she's started crying again until Carmilla deposits her on the mattress. Tears cut hot lines across her cheeks, dripping onto Carmilla's fingers as she tries to wipe them away. But they aren't enough to make her stop. She drags Carmilla down onto the bed with her, pulling her by the belt, swinging a knee around her hip to keep her close. They tumble, limbs tangling together, and it's a wonderful sort of mess. Their bodies brush as they sort themselves out, and Laura shivers at the perfect fit.

Even though Carmilla is on top of her, she's the one who can't seem to grasp enough. She fists Carmilla's shirt, trying to rip it off. It's a struggle, but she manages with a little help. A groan breaks in her throat as soon as her palms meet bare flesh, and she knows she can't stop. She wants to drink Carmilla in through her hands and lips until her mind is empty of everything else. She reaches further, fumbling with the clasp of Carmilla's bra, but her clumsy fingers can't unhook it.

"Wait." Carmilla shifts back onto her knees. For a moment, Laura isn't sure she'll survive without the comforting weight on top of her. But then Carmilla slides her bra slides off her shoulders, letting it flutter to the floor.

Laura can't help herself. She surges up, taking the tight point of Carmilla's nipple between her lips and tugging hard. The soft cry she coaxes out is everything she's hoping for. It's full of the same desire she feels, and she knows Carmilla wants to lose herself, too. Her hands roam along Carmilla's lean sides as her tongue folds around the stiff bud, trying to pull it further into her mouth. If this is the end of the world all over again, she's going to claim everything she can, while she can.

Soon, their positions are reversed. Carmilla's on her back, grasping at her with eager hands as she blazes a trail down her ex-lover's pale body. The beautiful expanse of Carmilla's torso is heaving even though she doesn't need to breathe, and her eyes are as dark as Laura has ever seen them. She digs her fingers into the narrow angles of Carmilla's naked hips, wanting to leave bruises, but she can't force herself to clutch hard enough. She doesn't want to hurt Carmilla anymore, only cling until she feels like she isn't falling.

"I never hated you," she whispers, tears welling up as her lips pause near Carmilla's navel.

She isn't sure, but it looks like Carmilla might start crying too. "I know."

She scatters more kisses across the shivering muscles of Carmilla's stomach, fingers tugging at the button of her pants. When she grows frustrated, the slide of her mouth becomes sharper, and she catches skin between her teeth. A gasp comes from above her, but she doesn't care. She wants Carmilla naked. Nothing else will satisfy her. It's almost impossible to stop panicking and _wanting_ long enough to focus on removing Carmilla's pants, but she has to. She tugs down the zipper in triumph, forcing herself to pull them all the way off before she gets carried away.

And then, finally, Carmilla is naked before her. Completely bared, vulnerable in a way Laura knows almost no one else has seen her. She's trembling, and Laura feels her heart crack in her chest again. This time, she can't tell whether it's breaking or mending itself. She almost lets her feelings spill out, almost says the three words that will undo her, but she can't. They would be too much like a promise, and they would come with a burden Carmilla has made it clear she doesn't want.

In the absence of words, Laura can only show her feelings through her actions. She drapes one of Carmilla's knees over her shoulder, leaning in to breathe against the open, petaled flesh between her legs. Her outer lips are parted, revealing pink inner folds and the tight red bud of her clit. All that softness is covered in a coat of shimmering wetness, and she can't help but groan at the sight. Her mouth remembers exactly how good Carmilla tastes. She dips her head forward and swipes her tongue through the sweetness, trying desperately not to think about how this might be the last time.

Carmilla's reaction is immediate. Her hands shoot down, and Laura almost winces as insistent fingers thread through her hair and tug. But in the heat of the moment, it doesn't quite hurt. She wants Carmilla's urgency as much as her softness, her bad parts as much as her good, as long as it means she's solid and sort-of-alive and _there_. Heat runs over her lips and chin, and she searches until she finds the wellspring, thrusting her tongue past the clasping muscles of Carmilla's entrance in search of more.

"Laura, please..." Those two words run together above her as the grip on the back of her head tightens. "Laura, please, Laura please, _LaurapleaseLaura..._ " If she'd had any barriers left, hearing Carmilla use her name instead of yet another adorable-turned-demeaning nickname would have brought them tumbling down. Even though Carmilla is the one falling to pieces against her tongue, she feels like she's crumbling as well. Carmilla has the power to unmake her, to scorch her to nothing, but she can only cling tighter. Her hands clutch at Carmilla's lean thighs, spreading them wider, trying to push deeper despite the ache in her jaw.

It doesn't take much. When Carmilla stiffens above her, she can't decide whether she's eager or disappointed. She wants Carmilla's release, _needs_ it more than anything she's ever needed before, but she doesn't want this to be over. If this moment ends, she knows she might never be able to get it back. But the softness shuddering against her and the honey running over her tongue and the twitches that become heavy pulses are too much to resist. She moves up, latching onto the swollen point of Carmilla's clit, and sucks it hard into her mouth.

Carmilla screams. The raw, hoarse break in her voice hits a split second before the flood. It comes in swift bursts, drenching the lower half of her face, but she doesn't care. She pulls Carmilla deeper, lashing her tongue over the stiff bud sealed between her lips. She casts her eyes up along Carmilla's writhing body, and she's surprised when their eyes meet. She's half-expecting Carmilla's head to be tipped back in ecstasy, dark hair tumbling over the pillowcase. But instead, Carmilla is staring at her as though she'll never get another chance to look.

Eventually, the gushes of warmth start to weaken, and Carmilla stops bucking against her face. The hands twined in her hair fall limp, and her lover lets out a shuddering sigh, as though she's been emptied of everything possible. Laura pulls back reluctantly, running her tongue over her lips. She can't reach everything, but it keeps Carmilla's taste in her mouth a little longer. Her shaking mouth starts to form words, although she has absolutely no idea what to say in a situation like this, but Carmilla casts off her exhaustion and pulls her up for a kiss.

Soon, she's flat on the mattress again with Carmilla hovering over her. A dark curtain of hair falls on either side of her head, shielding her from everything but Carmilla's eyes. For once, she smiles through her tears. She feels lucky that she has this, for however long it lasts. One of Carmilla's cool hands caresses her hip, winding around her thigh to cup between her legs. "Tell me what to do," she whispers, with all the sincerity Laura has ever heard her use. "I want to give you everything."

In any other situation, the words might have upset her. Carmilla can't give her everything she wants, because some of the things she wants are too much to ask of any one person. But this time, she knows Carmilla can give her exactly what she needs. In fact, she's the only person that can. "Just touch me. I want—I _need_ to feel you."

The steady pressure turns into soft stroking as Carmilla's fingers find her. They spread her outer lips, pushing back the hood of her clit to expose the sensitive tip. Bolts of pleasure shoot from the single point to every other part of her body as Carmilla starts circling it, and her eyes flutter shut. She desperately wants to keep looking at Carmilla's beautiful face hovering above hers, but she can't help herself. The light touch is almost too much to bear. "More," she pleads, her voice cracking. "I need more..."

Carmilla moves faster, grinds harder. Laura's inner muscles clench around nothing, and her front wall starts to throb with fullness. She wants Carmilla inside of her, too, but she can't find her voice. The focused touch is already overwhelming. Instead, she rocks her hips forward, asking without words.

Thankfully, her lover understands. Carmilla replaces her fingertips with the pad of her thumb, trapping the twitching bud of her clit beneath it. The others glide down, searching for her entrance and sinking inside. Laura's eyes snap open again at the wonderful fullness. The brilliant, burning stretch is exactly what she needs. She clutches down around Carmilla's fingers, trying to pull them even deeper.

She doesn't have to tell Carmilla to move. Her hand picks up a rhythm right away, shallow and curling, searching for the spots she already knows by heart. _It's not fair,_ Laura thinks, her vision starting to blur. Carmilla's thumb skates over her clit again, painting wetness across it. _She knows just how to touch me, and I don't want this to be over. It can't end yet._

"Carm, don't," she sobs, suddenly remembering how to speak. "I'm going to come."

Carmilla's other hand cradles her face, stroking the flushed curve of her cheek. "I won't stop," she breathes, lips hovering an inch away. "I promise." Laura wants to believe that. She wants to believe she'll have a thousand more chances to make love with Carmilla, and all the time in the world to spend with her. Tears burn in her eyes as she realizes that, however much she might need this one night, it won't fill the gaping hole inside her. Nothing ever will again.

But despite her mixed feelings of love and grief, she's already beyond the breaking point. Her inner muscles ripple, her front wall throbs, and her clit twitches hard beneath the pad of Carmilla's thumb. The sensations are too much, and she comes before she's ready, shivering in complete silence because she can't bear to make a sound. All the pounding pressure inside her releases in powerful gushes, and she can't even find the coordination to claw at Carmilla's back. She clutches her shoulders instead, completely frozen except for the endless pulses.

Somewhere in the middle of her bliss, she realizes that she's finally stopped crying. Her sobs have stopped and her tears have all dried up. The hole in her heart hasn't left, but for one beautiful second, Carmilla has managed to close it. The curling fingers inside her coax more shudders from her trembling body and more rushing heat from between her legs, but breaking down is a relief. Maybe she can build back up again. Maybe it's not all over, and maybe there's still a chance. For her and Carmilla, for Silas, for everyone.

Finally, she slumps back onto the mattress and closes her eyes, just as Carmilla's lips guide hers into one last slow, soft kiss. She tries not to think of it as a promise, but her stupid hope is back, making it into one anyway. When Carmilla lets her go, she smiles. "Maybe after everything settles down... we can talk," she whispers before she can think better of it. "If we survive."

Carmilla gives a slow, catlike blink of acceptance above her. "If we survive."

. . .

* * *

 **AN:** I'm a published author as well. If you liked this, please check out my works on Amazon. And be sure to follow me on tumblr (it's raedmagdon there too). :D I post lots of femslash stuff and updates to my stories.


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